A HUGE thank you to everyone that read my first Sidewalk Blog! If I brightened someone’s day for even a moment, I am thrilled! What I am not so thrilled about is to be shoveling snow yet AGAIN. I would so love to call Al Gore and invite him over to shovel snow off of my driveway every other day. Yes, I do know that in some twisted way the 5 inches of snow is proof that Global Warming is for real. Maybe it is just me, but when I have 4 feet piles of snow on either side of my driveway it is hard to wrap my brain around the idea that the world is warming up. I just really don’t understand this whole Global Warming concept. Mostly because I don’t follow politics all that much. All those debates and arguments don’t thrill me either. The last Global Warming discussion I was listening to they were talking about cows and carbon footprints. Evidently, the government wants to tax farmers for the carbon footprints their cows leave behind. Holy cow, was I shocked when I realized they weren’t talking about the cow’s hoofs. They were talking about a completely different body part altogether and literally it was about what the cows left “behind.” From what I understood farmers would be taxed on a per cow basis because of the gases they emitted into the air. That statement stunned me for a moment and then my imagination took over. I couldn’t help thinking that after the cows, humans would be next. We all would be subject to a Farting Tax! It actually would be called the Fair Farting Tax because in all fairness, everyone farts. I can’t quite imagine how they would impose the tax. Would there be something like the Gestopo that would encourage people to tell on their family and friends what they heard and smelled? When you invite people over to your house you would have to hide your Pepto Bismal bottle so that someone using your bathroom couldn’t report how many ounces were missing. But then I think our government would be more hi-tech. They would issue everyone some sort of device that clip into your underwear and it would keep track of individual emissions. This little chip would record how many times you let on go, the severity of the odor by measuring various gas outputs and the decibels because the noise pollution agency would want to collect their fare share of the tax. Then I guess you would have to file your Fart-o-Meter with your IRS taxes. Everyone would need to file form 2-STNKY. Your chip would be inserted to a USB port and all the information would be downloaded so the computer can accurately calculate your taxes according to a complex fair farting formula. There would be a new line on you 1040 form in the Other Taxes Section. Right after line 56: Self Employment tax, there will be line 56.5: Self-Relief tax Attach Schedule 2-STNKY. On this line you will enter your Adjusted Gross Farting Tax. Be prepared for the shock on line 75- Amount You Owe. I can see myself saying…..Holy Shit, to which the IRS will answer….Precisely.
About Me“Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” Dr. Seuss