I Confess

One of the most difficult Christmas preparations for me is going to confession.  Admitting guilt is not anybody’s favorite thing to do.  Not only that our society allows so many gray areas in the Ten Commandments.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  Society doesn’t even allow the Ten Commandments to be publicly displayed.  Yet in society there has to be laws and I am thinking most of the laws we have are based on the Ten Commandments.  Imagine that! You can’t really have any kind of law and order without the Ten Commandments.  It is just like you can’t really have Law & Order: CI without Goren and Eames. (Awesome analogy isn’t it?)

But lets get back to my preparations for confession.  I obediently try to think of all the things I have done wrong in the last year.  That is my first hurdle to get over since I can hardly remember what I even did yesterday.   My next battle is that once I consider my sins, I put them more in a gray area than up against the black and white of the Ten Commandments.    Can I help it if every sin I come up with can be justified in some way.  The more I reflect on a sin the more it seems like wasn’t my fault in the first place.  Here is a sampling of the thinking process that goes on in my mind with me and my Conscience. M:   Mickey    C:   My Conscience

M: Did I ever use God’s name in vain?

C: Yes, remember when you screamed out SOB when you hit your thumb with the hammer when you put up the Christmas lawn decorations.

M: Of course, I do.  My thumb is still throbbing.  But son of a bitch isn’t using God’s name in vain.

C: That is true but using such language isn’t very ladylike.

M: Which commandment am I breaking if I don’t act ladylike?

C: That would be the 6th Commandment.

M: What are you talking about? The 6th commandment has to do with adultery.  How does saying SOB have anything to do with adultery?

C: Well, actually the 6th commandment covers the whole purity aspect of sin.

M: OMG (oops!) you have to be kidding me!   You are saying if I swear it is a sin.

C:  Technically.

M: Well, speaking of technically what if no one heard me say it?  You know, like that whole thing with a tree falling in a forest.  If no one heard it did it really make any noise?

C.:  God heard you.

M:  Well, then He knows that when I said SOB I obviously was not talking to Him.

C:  But He heard you use impure language.

M:  “Impure language!” For God’s sake give me a break.

M:  Let’s move on to the 5th commandment.

C: What about the 4th commandment?

M:  Honor they father and they mother?

C: Yes, that one.

M: Well, I am 55.  I think I can skip that one.

C:  Keep in mind that broader aspect of this commandment.

M:  Like what.

C: Like being disrespectful to other people.

M: When would I do that?

C:   Well, for example when you flipped off the guy that turned in front of you the other day on your way to the bank.

M: Ya but, he so deserved it.  The road was icy, I had to pump my brakes to avoid rear ending him, there were cars behind me, it could have been a 5 car pileup.  The guy was an idiot.

C: Yes, but you were being very disrespectful by flipping him off.

M: Technically I don’t think the guy deserved my respect anyway.

C: And why would you think that?

M: He was driving recklessly in adverse conditions, he was driving a huge 2 ton pickup like he was the King of the Road and he was being disrespectful by trying to drive in North Dakota in the winter time. He was an idiot.

C:   What makes you so sure he is familiar with winter driving?

M:  He had a Texas license plate.

M:  I suppose I better confess the $5.00 I inadvertently stole from MacDonalds.

C:  Inadvertently?

M:  We, is it my fault the kid at the counter thought I gave him a twenty instead of a ten?

C:  But you could have been honest and told him that you only gave him ten dollar bill.  So technically you are also guilty of lying.

M: I didn’t say one word!  I kept my mouth shut.  How can it be a lie if I didn’t even say anything?

C: That is just it.   You should have been honest with him and told him that you only gave him a 10 and not a 20.  You could have explained to him that he gave you too much change and then you should have given the $5.00 back.

M:  Ya but, remember last week when I cashed that check at the bank and the teller short changed me by $10.00 and I didn’t realize it until after I got home?

C: And what does this incident have to do with the $5.00 you stole from MacDonalds?

M: If I do the math, someone still owes me $5.00.

C: “Someone?”

M: Yes, someone like: “the powers that be”, or the “cosmic connections”, or the universal Karma.

C:  So are you talking about false gods?  That would be breaking the first commandment.

M:  Give me a break!   Are you trying to start a fight with me?

C:  Absolutely not.  Technically, that would be a sin against the 5th commandment.

M: Shut up!

Bless me Father, for I have NOT sinned.  Except for this one blog I posted on the Internet.  It may have been just a little bit blasphemous.

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2 Responses to I Confess

  1. J says:

    Thanks for letting me into your World (blog)! I had a good laugh on the Wii dancing, and christmas experience. Looking forward to more of your thoughts and life challenges many.

  2. Marie says:

    Mickey, I’m way behind in your blog. So I decided to do some catch up. This one made me laugh until I cried. Seriously loved it!

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