i-phone; u-dumb

I am thinking this is when my phone issues began. [BTW, my stomach still looks like this]

In case you are wondering I haven’t posted a new blog because:

  1. I was stuck in traffic
  2. I ran off to Las Vegas with my PT trainer. (There is just something about a guy that massages my foot bones)
  3. I looked at my blog stats and got totally discouraged
  4. None of the above

76% of the time the answer is D.  [I just made that statistic up.  I know there is a real statistic but I didn’t bother to do the research]

What I should be researching is smart phones.  Anybody that knows me knows I have issues when it comes to phones.

I am including a picture of when I think my phone issues began.  [BTW, my stomach still looks like that.]

I really want to get a smart phone but I have this intense fear that I am too dumb for one.  I have already imagined this encounter with the salesperson many times.  There are several variations but mostly it goes like this:

I walk into the cell phone store.  There are seven customers and two salespeople.  Lucky for me one of the salespeople is a nice lady probably in her mid 40’s.  I will wait for her.  I don’t want to talk to the tall skinny kid that doesn’t shave yet.  He wouldn’t even understand the questions I would be asking.  After a half hour wait, which included watching the young sales guy receive 23 phone calls, send 75 text messages, update his facebook page 15 times and post 5 videos on YouTube, the saleslady is free.  I walk up to her and read her name tag which says “Patience.”   I already feel more comfortable.  I tell her that I am interested in purchasing a smart phone.

Patience:  “Are you considering a Blackberry, an Android, a Torch, a Phoenix or an iphone?”

I recognize the word “phone” so I answer, “iphone.”  Meanwhile in my mind I am thinking the “i” stands for:   i- smart, you dumb.

Patience:  The iphone is a very good choice because it has so any amazing capabilities and literally millions of apps.

She lost me on the apps remark, but before I could say anything she asked me, “What are some of the things you would like the phone to do?”

Confused I answered, “Make phone calls.”

Patience bust into laughter thinking I made a joke of some kind.

So I explained, “Seriously, I would like you to demonstrate how you actually make a phone call on an iphone so I can see how many buttons there are to push and in what order.”

Patience stared at me, blinked and the patiently said, “Are you aware that the iphone is a touch screen?”

I blinked at Patience and said, “What is a touch screen?”

She proceeded to glide her finger across the screen.  The screen changed at lightning speed.  All I saw was rows and rows of icons.  Next she turned the phone sideways and a keyboard came up and she stated tapping keys to show me how to text message.  Then she flipped the phone back to portrait mode and slid her finger up and down as the screen listed what I thought was hundreds of contacts.  This whole demonstration took 30 seconds. She handed me the demo phone and told me to try it.  So I slid my finger across the phone and nothing happened.

I think at this point Patience was losing some patience because in a controlled stiff voice she said, “I don’t think you understand the touch screen concept.  You don’t push down on the screen and drag your finger across it.  You only need to lightly touch it and gently guide your finger across the screen.”

In my defense I said, “ I just got use to pushing button like crazy to make one simple phone call and  I still struggle with a mouse when I use the computer,  This whole touch screen concept is going take me a while to learn.  It is a totally different skill set of gesturing techniques.  Besides, what about smudges?  I am thinking after about a week I wouldn’t be able to see the screen through the smudges.”

Patience:  “No the newer iphones come with fingerprint-resistant oleophobic coating.”

I didn’t want to get into an explanation about why the iphone was afraid of butter, so I changed the subject and asked what other things the iphone could do.

Patience’s face it up.  Now I was asking a question she could identify with.  She even took out her own personal iphone and said, “let me show you some of the apps I have on my own iphone.  You will be amazed. Here, look at this.  It is my Walmart list.  It will list the items in order from east to west or west to east depending on which door I go in.  See this little box next to each item?  I touch the box and it checks it off the list.”

Me:  “I just can’t quiet imagine that a little check marked box is going to give me the same satisfaction as physically crossing an item off a handwritten list with a real pencil.”

Patience:  “Look at this!”  It is a calorie counter.  Enter your height and weight.  It will figure out your body mass index, how much weight you need to loose, and calculate how many calories you can eat per day.  At each meal you can enter what you ate and it will keep a running total of how many calories you have consumed and how many you can still eat the rest of the day.”

Me:  “Unfortunately I would be done eating at 10:30am after I have had a French Silk Pie Blizzard from the Dairy Queen.”

Patience:  “Let me ask you this, do you have children?”

Me:  “Yes, I have one son.”

Patience: “Ok, you are going to love this.   This app keeps track of family member at all times.  Here let me show you.”

Her fingers flew across the screen and a google map picture came into view with a little blue dot.

The she used two finger flying in all directions to zoom in on the green dot.

Patience” “See the green dot.  That is my son and I can tell exactly where he is.”

I was truly amazed.  She zoomed in until I could make out the high school.  We watched as the green dot moved away from the high school and headed north.  Patience explained that her son had third period free and was probably going to run some errands. I have to say I was fascinated watching the green dot move around very recognizable areas on the google map and the come to an abrupt stop.

Me:” Hey, didn’t the green dot just stop at the adult video store?”

Patience looked closer at her phone, snapped it shut and said, “Were you planning to purchase an iphone today and lock yourself into a 2 year contract?”

Me: “Actually I am just still gather information.”

Patience: “Then perhaps you would like to check out our competition across the street.”

Me: “But wait, I was going to ask about the panoramic camera features, SIRI, and fring.”

Patience: “I am sorry but you have used up all the data minutes we allow per customer.”

She turned and walked over to this lady that must have been 85.  She proceeded to help her pick out a d pink glitzy peacock design case for iphone.

Pink Glitter Rhinestone Leopard BLING case
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10 Responses to i-phone; u-dumb

  1. Monica was not sure at first and now it is with her everywhere just like a purse, you too are made for each other, that is the iphone and you.

  2. Deb Sheffield says:

    Too darn funny, as always…!!! It must be our age: I think a smart phone would be waaaay too complicated for me, but I kinda’ want one, nevertheless! Having internet on the phone would be a real plus, anyway. :o). Maybe now that I’m back at school we could swing the increased phone bills; we’ll just have to see. For now my un-smart phone serves its purpose just fine, I guess…but don’t tell Phil I said that! XoxoX

    • mickeyrenner says:

      I am totally with you. I have a hard time justifying paying for something that is smarter than me when the un-smart phone is serving me so well. Let me know if you cave, because then maybe I will too! XOXOXO

  3. Amy Learn says:

    loved this one Mickey! My coworkers were wondering why I was sitting in my cube in complete silence just giggling.

  4. Mary Mercado says:

    This is so funny Mickey. Of course I can relate…becasue we’re related! It’s a wonder we can keep a phone conversation between the 2 of us “phone challenged” siblings. BTW – I got an iphone. As an OCD person would do, I can’t stand the smudges! Yes..it smudges and no amount of coating will stop it! Needless to say, I “lens wipe” it everyday. I should have stuck with pressing numbers on the clean dial pad!! Keep posting and making us laugh!

  5. Ali says:

    Mickey you have such a great gift….keep writing! LMAO reading your blog.

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