The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory

No, I am not talking about the show.  Although, I do like that particular sitcom.  It has its “laugh-out-loud” moments which I like, of course.  And overall it isn’t “over-the –top raunchy.  I like Sheldon the best because he is more clueless in social skills then I am and I don’t always catch the sarcasm either.  No, the title of this blog refers to the big gun control debates.  I personally do not get caught up in politics Mostly because I don’t understand politics and government.  I blame that on my high school Government teacher.  His name was Coach.  I don’t remember his real name and maybe he never even told us his real name.  I just remember walking into his classroom the first day of class and was so surprised to see two rows of desks lined up along opposite walls facing each other.  It was the first time I was in a classroom where the desks weren’t arranged in equidistant rows all facing the front.  Mr. Government Teacher was also the Head Football Coach. [And yes all those words are to be capitalized]  We were on his Astroturf and he wanted to be called Coach and he definitely set the goal lines.  Personally, I called him Mr. Tightend [not to his face, of course] because he did have a cute butt.  Some of the drama kids called him Mr. Tightass [not to his face, of course] because he wouldn’t give any one of them anything above a C.  Anyway, it didn’t take long to figure out the guys on the football team, the girls that were cheerleaders or on the dance team and the kids in the pep band sat on one side of the room.  Drama kids, students from the chess club or debate team and the wallflowers sat on the other side of the room.  Coach continually pit one side against the other.  I remember one time when we were going to have a test on the Amendments to the Constitution, Coach came up with this brilliant scrimmage idea to review for the test.  He explained, “I am going to throw the football at you and shout out a number.  When you catch the football you are the eligible receiver and you have to explain the amendment that corresponds to the number I called out.  If you are correct you score a touchdown for your team.  If you can also give the correct enactment year, you earn extra points for the team.  Then forward pass the football back to me.  Obviously, the team with the winning percentage wins.”

I was screwed.  I never caught or threw a football in my entire life.  I was so concerned about not being able to catch that stupid football and throwing it back without embarrassing myself to death I couldn’t think of a single amendment or what a number had to do with it.   And then the blitz began.  First of all I should explain that “shout” is an understatement.  When Coach just lectured he used what I called his Super Bowl coaching voice.  I swear the Driver’s Ed students out in their cars on the driving range heard every word the Coach said.  So when he shouted the numbers as he threw the football it was more like Super Bowl half-time entertainment noise level.  Of course, Coach would throw the football to the athletic side of the room and scream numbers like 1, 13, 18, or 19.  Come on, I mean who doesn’t know freedom of speech, abolishment of slavery, prohibition or women’s right to vote.  When the football got thrown to the non-athletic side we of course got the more obscure amendments.  I was thrilled when Coach threw the ball at the president of the Chess Club and screamed 2.  The Chessmaster caught the ball and answered, “The right to bear arms!  Which means girls have the right to wear boob-tubes and guys have the right to wear wife-beater undershirts in public”.  In addition, Chessmaster purposely threw the football across the room at the long bare legs of the head cheerleader who was wearing her super mini pleated orange and black skirt.  Coach pulled out his yellow handkerchief, waved it at Chessmaster, called offsides, and sent him to the principal’s office.  I heard later that Chessmaster talked the principal into playing a game of chess, let him win and there was not further penalty.  After a regulation time out, Coach kicked off the game again.  The football was coming straight for me.  It all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to panic.  The ball bounced off my forehead, off the back of the head of the choir kid that sat in front of me and landed on my desk.  Lucky for me I did hear the coach scream out the number 16.  I knew this one! “Allows the federal government to collect income tax.”  So far so good.  The ball hand landed on my desk so I didn’t really need to catch it and I knew the right answer!

{BTW I knew the 16th amendment because my Dad had just been audited by the IRS the week before.  Tense times in the Renner household, but when all was said and done, the IRS owed my Dad some money. That was a victory my Dad won’t ever forget!}

Now I all I had to do was throw the football back to Coach.  I held the ball the long way with both of my hands and heave-tossed it over to Coach. Coach missed the catch and one of the football players yelled, “Fumble!”  The entire class burst out laughing.  To this day I don’t know if they were laughing at me or at Coach.  In the end it didn’t matter who they were laughing at.  I was able to regurgitate everything from the textbook and “Aced” the class.  However to this day I know diddly about football and squat about the government.

I guess I didn’t actually get to the 2nd amendment that I intended to blog about.  But that is OK.  I am protected by the 1st amendment and so I am free to blog about whatever.







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8 Responses to The Big Bang Theory

  1. Deb says:

    🙂 once again!!!! I so wish you hadn’t moved away, so that we could’ve gone to school together! Our government teacher was also the football coach, but thankfully we didn’t ever have hands-on like you did!!!!! Well done, as always!

    • mickeyrenner says:

      I have wondered how my life would have turned out if we hadn’t moved to Dickinson and I would have attended Mandan High School with my friends. As always, Deb, thank you for the compliments on my blog. I hope you realize that your encouragement is a HUGE help to me and my fragile writers ego!!!!

  2. Brenda says:

    Oh you make me laugh, Mickey!! Yeah, I had some teachers that were coaches too!!! 😀

  3. mickeyrenner says:

    Thanks Brenda. Nothing makes me more happy then my BFF telling me I made you laugh. Love you, my friend.

  4. Mary Mercado says:

    OK…admit it. You threw like a girl so Coach wouldn’t catch it so you could see his “tight end”!! Thanks for my daily laugh, sis.

    • mickeyrenner says:

      “Busted!” You are right. I didn’t even attempt to throw the football with one hand in hopes that the girl toss would provide for a nice “rear view”. It warms my heart if I can bring some laughter to your day, sis. I love you!

  5. mary lovell says:

    Our Coach was the history person and we got extra credit if we went to the games. He couldn’t think of cool games to play in class. I did not do well as I didn’t go to football games. Good blog!

    • mickeyrenner says:

      Yeah, it seems like all the history teachers were coaches. Most of them were thinking more of cool games for on the field then in the classroom. But I like the idea of getting extra credit for going to the games. Especially when it was freezing cold and snowing at some of them. Thanks for the compliment Mary, means a lot to me.

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